


Edgar Allen No

by Magicath_420



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicath_420/pseuds/Magicath_420
Summary: Ray and Nate have to hide Edgar Allen Poe on the Waverider for two weeks without Sara finding out. Unfortunately for them, Edgar Allan Poe sucks.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Edgar Allen No

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking hate Edgar Allan Poe.

“Hey, Sara, can I ask you something?” Ray said as he walked onto the bridge.

Sara was sitting in the library with several open books in front of her, talking on the phone and flipping through them purposefully. 

“What is it, Ray. I’m kind of busy right now.”

“There’s been a minor change in the timeline in South Carolina in the early 1800s and, well, Gideon said that it’s not something we should be worried about but, um, I’m not doing anything this week and I think that it might involve-”

“Yeah, sure, okay. Take the jump ship. Just clean up when you’re done.” Sara answered distractedly, not looking up.

“Aye, aye, captain.” Ray answered, smiling. Sara didn’t respond, her full attention back on what she had been doing before.

Ray rushed back to his room to grab his suit, and then went to find Nate. He found him in the kitchen, eating lunch. 

“Hey, man. Do you want to come to South Carolina in the early Nineteenth Century?”

Nate looked up, mildly interested. “Sure. Any particular reason?”

“There’s a blip in the timeline around Edgar Allen Poe. I want to go check it out.”

Nate made a face. “Ugh. I kinda hate Edgar Allen Poe.”

“How could you hate Edgar Allen Poe?”

“Oh man, I fucking despise Edgar Allen Poe.” Jax said, walking into the kitchen.

“What? Why?” Ray asked, perplexed. It seemed strange that everyone had such strong feelings about the early American literary pioneer. 

“He’s like, massively overrated, and not even that good.”

“Who’s overrated?” Zari asked, walking in behind him.

“Edgar Allen Poe.”

“Oh God, I hate Edgar Allen Poe. Didn’t he marry his 12 year old cousin?”

“Thirteen, but yeah.” Nate chimed in.

“Yeah, but,” Ray started, a bit flustered, “I mean, I always liked him.”

Everyone stared at him, slightly judgmentally. 

“Well, I’m still going.”

“I’ll come with.” Nate said, standing up.

“Really?” Ray asked.

“Yeah.” Nate shrugged. “I’m not doing anything else today, and I really like nineteenth century hats.”

***

Nate and Ray arrived in South Carolina, located Edgar Allan Poe in the army (Edgar Allan Poe was in the army), got into a fistfight with another soldier, accidentally burned down a stable, and just generally fucked everything up way worse than it was before. 

“Shit, this is bad.” Nate said, watching the fire department haul buckets of water up from the river, two miles away, in horse drawn carriages.

Ray pulled out his phone, considering calling for back-up, but also seriously considering whether “more Legends” is really the best remedy for any situation that’s already spiraling out of control. 

“Excuse me, sir. What is that?” Said a voice from behind him.

Ray turned around slowly. Of course the voice was coming from Edgar Allan Poe, who was standing a few feet behind him, because nothing is ever easy.

Ray looked at the man, then down at his iPhone, then up at Nate, who sighed and dropped his head into his hands. 

“Plan B?” Nate suggested, voice muffled through his palms. 

“Sara’s gonna kill us.” Ray said.

“Dude, this is the army, in the capital of South Carolina, in 1828. If we fuck with anything else, it could end up influencing the Civil War. We gotta regroup.”

“Fine.” Ray conceded. “But I don’t want Sara to find out about this. She seemed really busy. Let’s just sneak him onto the ship, figure out how to fix everything, and then wipe his memory and put him back.”

So that’s how Nate and Ray ended up knocking out Edgar Allan Poe, carrying him, unconscious, back to the Waverider, hiding him in the med bay, and extensively researching the historical importance of Charleston’s Fort Moultrie in the 1800s.

“Well, the good news is that the fort really doesn’t do anything after the Revolutionary War.” Nate said, a few hours later, closing the textbook he’d had open in front of him. 

“Yeah, but apparently the Time Bureau confiscated all our official memory wipers, so we only have the old ones, and the minimum amount of time they can erase is 2 weeks.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. Also, it’s an oddly specific time period.”

“Well, that’s how long we’re going to have to keep Edgar Allan Poe on board, without Sara finding out about all this. Then we can put him back, and the timeline won’t have changed too much.” said Ray.

“Great.” Nate replied. “So all we have to do is hide an entire person on a ship with a very finite amount of space for two whole weeks without our boss, the trained assassin, finding out about it.”

“Maybe it’ll be fun. Like a sleepover.”

“Ray. I told you. I hate Edgar Allen Poe.”

“You’ve never even met him.”

“That’s- okay, that’s actually a good point.”

“Just give him a chance.”

“Okay, but you’re explaining the whole time ship thing. I did it last time with Rasputin.”

“Oh yeah. Man, that was a fun weekend.”

Poe woke up after another few hours, confused and angry. Ray explained time travel, which Poe actually took pretty well, and the two weeks of captivity ahead of him, which he took much worse. Eventually, he gave up protesting, and just asked if they had anything to drink. Then he asked if they had any opium, because Edgar Allen Poe was addicted to opium. Because he sucked. 

Nate got Gideon to fabricate a bottle of whiskey and gave it to the racist pedophile who wasn’t even that good at writing, and he drank the whole thing and then passed out. Ray and Nate left him there, on the floor of Nate’s room, like he deserved, and went to hang out in Ray’s room. Eventually they fell asleep on Ray’s bed but like in a non-toxic masculinity bros way, not a gay way. They had plenty of time to be gay later. Right now they just had to survive two weeks with Edgar Allan Poe.

When they went back to Nate’s room the next morning, they found Edgar Allan Poe sitting on his bed, writing something in a notebook.

“What are you writing?” Ray asked cheerfully.

“The world’s first detective story.” Edgar Allan Poe answered.

Nate rolled his eyes. Like, he knew that the dude was credited as the inventor of the detective genre, but he seriously doubted that no one in the history of the world had ever written a story about a detective before. 

“Okay, let’s go get breakfast.” They walked out of the hall and down to the kitchen. Jax was there, eating breakfast. 

“Hey- oh shit, is that Edgar Allan Poe?”

“Yeah,” Ray said, “We fucked up in South Carolina and now we have to keep him on the ship for two weeks.”

Edgar Allan Poe looked at Jax and opened his mouth to say something.

“No,” Jax said, before he could say anything. “Nope. Not today, Edgar Allan Poe. Not today.”

He got up and walked out of the room.

“What was that about?” Ray asked.

“The dude’s super racist and it’s 8:30 in the morning.” Nate answered. 

“Where did you get the money to buy-” Edgar Allan Poe started to ask, gesturing dangerously towards where Jax had just walked out of the room, but was cut off when Nate hit him in the face really hard.

“Ow.” Edgar Allan Poe said.

“Ray, show him the racial sensitivity PowerPoint for people from the pre-Civil War South.”

“Aw man, but it’s like 100 slides! Can’t I just give the 2020 version? That one’s only 99 slides.”

Nate and Ray both looked straight into the camera, because this joke was social commentary.

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t ask me if I’m going to update. That’s between me and God.


End file.
